Michigan Bookshelf: Status – Completed
Title: bird by bird
Author: Anne Lamott
Title: The Inimitable Jeeves
Author: P.G. Wodehouse
On the 27th of August, I decided that I had been away from home too long, and that it was time to leave Michigan and not look back. Things fell into place so quickly after that, and the number of affirmations that it was the right decision, as well as the speed at which they came, was overwhelming. My heart’s been flooded with peace ever since.
The weekend following the decision, the Cleveland Hofbrauhaus opening was postponed to Papa’s birthday weekend – I’ll have to miss it – but Alise and I decided to take a road trip anyway and spend all of Sunday with Ryan in Lansing. Alise and I spent the three-point-five hour road trip talking about marriage and relationships and men and boys and work and homeschooling and mommy circles and faith and everything important. And then we continued all the important conversations with Ryan while walking and eating and shopping and trying to figure out the weird ‘art’ at the one museum, which we decided did not actually contain any genuine, real Beauty. ‘Twas all very controversial and risqué. Anyway…
It was a decision born of hurting, but I’ve had two and a half weeks to digest it all. Since the decision, since the influx of peace, the weight’s been lifted from my shoulders and I’ve been free to truly think and reflect. There has been nothing to make me think twice or second-guess the choice, but I needed this time to think about why God had wanted me to come here at all, or if it really was all guilt and misplaced obligations – two things which came up at the Matthew Kelly seminar in Gaylord on the 30th, and which hit me hard.
In spite of the fact that my heart just wasn’t in this season, there were – there are – many, many good things that have come of my last season here, many things in Cinci that I needed to step away from and get into the right place in my head and my heart. Now I can go back and have a certainty about many things and many people that I couldn’t have gained by remaining in the middle of it all; in some ways, just as I’ve gotten into a cycle here that I can’t get out of except by physically removing myself from this situation – I’ve been spiraling downwards for months and couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel until I decided that I needed to leave. Although there was nothing in Cinci that was ever this bad, just some things that I needed to work out so that I can Live with better conviction.
I was worried for a little bit that Scott and I wouldn’t be able to have a good last two weeks together, but Scott dished out a bunch of hugs and plenty of offhand, “I’m going to miss that,” comments/digs, and though we didn’t really say goodbye at all yesterday, it’s ok. God’s worked to wean me this week, by having me say goodbye to Pat and Kelly on Tuesday, and Benjamin on Wednesday, and Scott last night, and it’s quite the bittersweet way to go, but I know it’s more manageable and healthier this way.
Well, there’s just today and tomorrow, and then home. One last weekend all my own, one last big event, one last sleep, one last shower with the usual ritual of shaking spiders out of the shower curtain and trying to massacre all of the bluebottles in the bathroom prior to trying to wash out my hair properly in spite of the multiple changes in water pressure. Not going to miss that part…
Scott inspired me to hack my own planner because nobody sells quite what I want at an affordable price. Basically I bought a journal that I liked, used packing tape and sticky notes to make tabs for the months, carefully designated an entire page to each day, and cut out a portion of the pages to make room for pad of sticky notes in the bottom right corner. I also caught up on updating my calendar and wrote in all events and appointments [that I know of so far] between September 15 and February 17. Lunches and banquets and dinners and vigils and concerts and coffee dates galore await me, apparently.
Next project is hacking my knife kit, the methods for which, Scott and I have been discussing all season. I think we’ve settled on metal mesh to line all pockets and keeping everything blade-down.
I’ve started writing again. I’m excited to not miss my grandparents’ respective birthdays. I’m looking forward to sharing a room with Yena, BYBSTSD (Bring Your Big Sister To School Day) with Paco, ballroom dancing with Migs, sleeping with Nino, hugging Mom and Dad, watching The Office with Marty…
Oh, Lord, I cannot wait to get home.