*hugz* to you, honey.
I don’t pretend to know where you are, because I, being younger than you, am not quite there yet. But I think I’m experiencing something similar elsewhere in life.
I always pictured Ais, 21 and married, never intending to figure out life past college on her own, not making career choices or any sorts of money-driven goals. That daydream usually included a baby, either on the way or a newborn, a small house, the most important physical aspect of which would be a nice window in front of which I could dance that baby around and watch sunrises, sunsets, and stargaze, singing all the while.
I answered all the “What do you want to be when you grow up?” questions, but never saw the rest of my life revolving around a desk job,
or even a kitchen.
My world has always revolved around children; or I thought I did; I’ve wanted it to; I still want it to, but it doesn’t right now, not the majority of the time, and not in the way I thought it would, not in the way I hoped it would by now. Right now, being around children awakens a note of bitterness, a lot of wistfulness, a note of despair, a lot of uncertainty, woven into the overwhelming wonder and want that floods me when holding little miracles.
College fills my calendar, but I don’t mean it to. I’m not knocking it, either. I’m learning very valuable things, and I’m making and keeping awesome friends. I’m alright with who it’s making me and I believe in who I’m making myself. But I’m not really sure that it’s bringing me any closer to my big dream – devoting my life to raising a family. I feel confused sometimes, I feel lost sometimes. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that I believe in the reasons for these doors being opened, even if I don’t know them all inside out yet.
Sometimes I picked up on people telling me about this in-between time, this uncertainty, this transition period that I never planned for. I never really listened because I didn’t think I’d ever be here. I understand better now, without understanding really. I’m at the prime of my life! And, I’m single!
And the best part is, it never really will be up to me. I can push and fight and try to make myself someone that someone would want to marry. But I’ll always be the one waiting. Waiting to be asked. Four years of college haven’t yet blessed me with that question from anyone worth my time, from anyone who really wanted what I’ve wanted and believed in what I believe, from anyone who offered more than just a spring fling or a summer lover.
Sometimes I’m angry. Then I realize it’s a waste to be so. I couldn’t tell you why, aside from the fact that it’s draining and depressing, and those things are never good to wallow in. But even cheerfully waiting is draining in its own way, tiring in its own way, empty in its own way, sometimes. I try not to go there. I don’t, most of the time.
I don’t have the answers, Jose. We’ll follow what we believe to be our dreams and hope that the world’s kind enough to let us make those dreams come true. But they say you’re really not somebody until somebody else loves you; well, I am waiting to make somebody, somebody… What if my dream is to be made somebody by somebody?
We’ll figure it out, Jose. *hugz* and love to you always.