Surrender

I’m a very proud person. Total surrender to God is not one of my stronger points. I’ve been blessed to be aware of it going on around me, but my own experiences of knowing that I have so-and-so an aspect of my life entirely into His hands have not come easily.

Nothing can ruin today, though. On an impulse, I signed up for the Open Mic yesterday, which then took place around lunchtime today. I pulled into my usual parking spot at 6:58 and spent the next fifteen minutes moving things around in an attempt to get at my guitar. The car’s terribly full today due to the 13.5 hours from the beginning of my first class to the end of my last. So, you know, shifting all my foodstuffs and books and knife kit and camera bag and guitar case and Yena’s carseat… etc. etc. etc. until I was finally in the back seat with my guitar out, racking my brains for a song. I tried some Switchfoot, Paramore, Evanescence, Sarah McLachlan, Sara Bareilles… 8:10 rolls around and I still haven’t picked a song. Two classes later and two minutes left on deck, I still hadn’t picked a song.

Here I was wondering what song made my voice sound best and what song would be appropriate to the college crowd and if the chords I would be using would be enough display of skill… (Yes, these are the things running through my head and I am not proud of them and I am laughing at myself as I type them up.) And then I realized the hypocrisy of it all. I hadn’t signed up for this thing with the intention of being discovered or to show off or anything like that. I signed up because I thought it might be fun because I’d be doing something I love to do. So what was I doing wasting my time stressing about it?

I introduced myself and asked everyone to bear with me because I hadn’t practiced for this at all, big grin on my face… and I hit the G#m and knew that I didn’t have to do anything anymore. It was… amazing, for lack of a better word. I told Mom once that I am never more myself than during worship. That’s been true for some years now… but I’ve never let go and let God that much before. In past, I’ve let go, and I’m still thinking about what our next song is going to be and how the transition is going to go and waiting for the moment to cue everyone in and encourage them, etc. This was different. Honestly? I didn’t even recognize my voice. So I stopped thinking about it and just let Him do it all.

I sang None But Jesus. I hope I made Him smile.

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