A great deal has happened since then. Regarding certain goals I mentioned — I’ve graduated from high school and I’ve been off for nearly a year now. I’ve determined what I’m studying and where for the next six years of my life. I’ve certainly learned a great deal more about my Faith and feel considerably more comfortable discussing and debating… This past year and a half has been full of new experiences… some of them include traveling completely by myself, spending three months abroad, a third baby brother… and I’ve learned a lot of life lessons that have hurt… particularly with regards to the virtue of integrity.
Simply put… Aisa at fifteen thought she had it all down. And in theory… I still think she had enough to get by and then some. Most of what came out in The Logic Behind Love series was absorbed by fifteen. But it wasn’t till May of Aisa’s seventeenth year that those theories were put to the test, and she learned how difficult it is to uphold Truth, no matter how fully you comprehend the logic behind it. Why is that? Why is something that makes perfect sense – physically, mentally, and spiritually – so difficult to pull through with? Like Kuya Vin once said at an Upper Household in our early months of YFC Cinci – Why do we keep on sinning? Simply because we neither love God enough nor fear the reality of Hell enough.
I remember a quote from my Ate Mary… “Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”
Somewhere along the line after that ‘First Step’, I started to lose sight of what that ring signified. It was gradual… the way you boil a frog. I was in the middle before I realized I had begun. Funny how often that happens and yet we never seem to learn the trick. How long did it take the Saints? How much longer will it take me?
Do you ever get those days where you’re tired of being alive? Not suicidal, but just tired of living? And then I look at my Papa and the eighty years he’s endured on this earth and I wonder to myself how he has borne it and how I could possibly bear it as well as he did. Lots of prayer, says Mum. Of course =)
My hopes and dreams have not changed much since a year and a half ago. These past few months, I’ve been experiencing something akin to what I went through after our move from PA… that feeling of, what do you do when your dreams seem to be so close, you could reach out and brush them with your fingertips, and then you’re thrown into circumstances that force you practically all the way back to the beginning? Only, these are higher stakes than Dan ranking. But that’s my own fault…
Yes, this post is very vague =) This rightly belongs in the BRAIN DUMP category.
So I’ve been learning things the hard way. Mother asked me once if I would change anything if I had the chance to. But my answer was that… I’m not going to waste time thinking of how I could have done it better. It’s done. And I need to move forward. What emotional turmoil I’m experiencing now is my own fault and I will deal with it; I knew exactly what I was up against and what the consequences would be, in theory. And now it’s all coming to pass.
What it comes down to, I guess, is that… despite the ups and downs of the past year and a half… I still have no higher ambitions than being a mother. I had a great conversation with Liz about that, just last week, and I quote, “its so easy to see success as becoming a professional something when really the greatest success is in raising kids well.. to love God =)” I know I haven’t been doing the best job at making myself the best person that I can possibly be… but I thank God that He’s kept my head clear in that area… and I pray that that’s a grace I’ll never lose.
*sigh* Living epistles, wherever you are in the mind of God, I’m sorry I messed up, and I promise mommy’s trying to get back on track and doing her best to think of you each day and remember that she’s making herself the best person she can possibly be for your sakes. *kisses*
Here goes nothing.