GAARRRRRR where to begin? i wish i could type as fast as mum cuz that would help a lot!!!

where, where, where??? i just need to get stuff out of my system!! it’s another one of those angry, sad, disgusted, pathetic, down posts that one writes while still honestly loving life!! yay!

so! my life! up! up! happy! NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i’m dead TIRED of not being able to eat anything i want! i’m dead TIRED of all this drama!! last night didn’t help!! i’m dead TIRED of breaking down! i want to rip my skin to little bits and put it all back together again in such a way so that it will NEVER react to what i eat EVER again!!! i want to jump two years ahead into my life and be comforted by knowing for certain that i will have made it into college!!! i want to start over, i want to re-live my life and erase the bitterness i held inside for 3 years!!! i want to go back and be 12 again and having almost fully mastered my back tuck BEFORE I GOT FREAKIN INJURED!!! i want to do layouts again! i want to do back-hip circles again!!!! i want to feel so proud of having actually managed a graceful arc instead of slamming my feet down on the bar and swinging wildly off!! i want to do front tucks off the end of the beam!! i want to not be afraid! to jump, to fly!!! i want to hear myself asking my coach, HEY! no, really?? if you want me to try it, i will! i have confidence!!! i want to go back before i ever had to measure every move i make and worry, will my knee pop out if i do this???? do people realize it?? do people realize i STILL get SOOO freakin paranoid about my knee?? do they know that every time i get in the car, i remember time my knee popped out just because it bounced against the arm rest?!??! WELL I GUESS THEY DO NOW CUZ I’M WRITING IT HERE, AREN’T I??!?!?! oohhhhh do they think i’m PROUD of how i used to use numbers and acronyms to shorten everything i typed up!! NO!!! i look back on those posts and think HOW REVOLTING!!! i am so horribly PROUD of my spelling now!!! but why am i typing like this now, you ask?? because i don’t particularly mind being lazy now and then because at least i know i can type nicely when i want to. YAY! i’m dead TIRED of losing friends! i’m dead TIRED of wondering who i’ll be losing in the next few years!!! i’ve become anne of green gables imagining out diana’s wedding!! well, not nearly so obsessed, no, but now i can relate!!! i’m tired of being a world away from everyone that REALLY understands me!!! oh PLEASE don’t misunderstand, i am very very sure that i have become so much closer to my parents since we moved back here, and i am EXTREMELY thankful for that and VERY happy that i can talk to them the way i do. i know i know i know they should always be enough for me, but sometimes i actually miss being understood by people my own age!!! i’m dead TIRED of feeling like a FAILURE!!!! i FAILED to get my confidence back! i FAILED to reach level 6!!! what do i have to show for 8 years of a leotard twice a week?? NOTHING!!! NOTHING but a few lousy handstands and a nice graceful front hand spring and walkovers and LINE WORK!!!! YES! LEVEL 2 LINE WORK!!!! i FAILED to reach the end of book 2 of suzuki violin!!! i FAILED at my job!! yes! i only made it a million times harder for me and the rest of my family!!! what joy or pride does that choice bring me now????? and I WILL FAIL TO GET MY KYO SA NIM AND 2ND DAN BEFORE I REACH COLLEGE!!! what have i done that’s worth being proud of in my life!?!??! i’ve reached my black belt! yes! i know! do you know what that means to me?? NO!!! do you know what it means to look at it? do you know what it means!?!?! 6 years of memories, yes!!! and we come full circle!! BUT I DON’T WANT TO HAVE REACHED FULL CIRCLE!!!

what have i done, oh yes, what have i done… can you see me running my fingers through my hair and searching frantically through my memories for something to be proud of?? i’m dead tired of feeling like i have no one, i have nothing!!! i love my family so much! but we’re all growing up and i’m scared! yes, i’m SCARED! BLEAAARRRGGHHH!!!! thank you for that expression!!! i got it from a friend!!!

so THERE! in the words of a very good friend:

you want me to spit?”


i want a nice grilled ham and cheese sandwich. so impossible, you know? welcome to my life. SOMETIMES I HATE IT!!!!


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