Today I got an email

that forced me to take a step back and reflect. I guess I had it coming, and God saw that I needed it.

I’ve read posts by various Ates and Kuyas in YFC, where they did just this — they took a step back and looked at their lives and evaluated things that needed to be dealt with, and just brought everything back to what God wanted. I always felt a kind of awe reading those posts. I guess I’m about to try and write my own sort of testimony.

There are a great many things that I want to do in the next few years. So many things that I’ve been talking about with my parents. Besides it being Junior year in high school and trying to get more serious about following scheds, etc., I’ve got other stuff on my list.

I’m testing for my black belt in 20 days. I really have to work it. I’m going back to choir this month, after my black belt test. I’ve told mum that I want to give more time to the Church. After I get my black belt, I want to go back to training outside of the home — I want to study drunken gourd boxing.

So why am I thinking about all this? I’m forced to evaluate where my job fits into all this. So here is what I’ve come up with:

I’ve been finding it harder and harder to balance my job with school, with service in the YFC, and just with life. I look back now and realize that I have missed households, I have turned down activities that could have been quality family time, I have neglected my training and have not given the focus to my goals that my goals demand. And they are most definitely my goals, not goals that others have set for me; one might think that I’m just trying to get my black belt because my dad and brothers have theirs, but I honestly want it.

I realize that it will be even harder to balance blogging with everything that I’m anticipating — increased training time, hopefully going back to training outside the home, finishing up high school, wanting so bad to give more time to God and to His Church and to the family He has blessed me with — I guess it all comes down to this: Martial arts means more to me than my job. High school definitely means more to me than my job. And my family and my Faith ultimately mean more to me than all these things.

Having a job was fun at first. But I think of all the time I’ll have to do much more important things without it, and I realize that having a job really is last priority in my life right now. The part of me that is reluctant to let it go is the materialistic part of me, which has steadily been growing worse since I got this job. It’s time to get back to Life.

What richness! It’s so awesome, how free I suddenly feel! ‘Course, I still have to send in a formal letter of resignation, blah blah blah, but I suddenly feel so free! I’ve been crying a bit throughout this post, but I’m smiling now!!! I’ve been listening to Casting Crowns… Lines have been hitting me left and right… Especially

“Lord, the worship we bring
Is more than songs that we sing.
It’s a reflection of our ever-changing lives,
The best we have to offer.

“Living on my own, thinking for myself,
Castles in the sand, temporary wealth,
Walls are falling down, storms are closing in,
Tears have filled my eyes, here I am again,
And I’ve held out as long as I can,
Now I’m letting go and holding out my hand.

:D You know, I’m glad this all came up when it did. Recently, I’ve been going through a lot that has had me venting a lot to Mum and Dad, so I’ve really been leaning on them more than usual of late. This came at just the right time, right when I’m feeling the strength of their support. Oh bother, I’m getting teary again. *smile!*

“Cause when I’m weak, You make me strong
When I’m blind, You shine Your light on me
Cause I’ll never get by living on my own ability.”


One comment

  1. I think out of all your posts, Ais, this is one of my favorites.

    I’m so happy and proud that you are where you are, that you’ve got the focus that you have, that you’ve got your priorities straight, and that you’re learning what it takes to stand up for what you believe.

    To be honest — but no surprise here — you always amaze me with all that I could learn from you.

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